I picture your face at the back of my eyes

It feels almost like I’ve been poisoned. But an unusual type of poison, which incurs pain over an extended period time and progressively worsens. What initially felt like an unnoticable cut now feels like a gaping wound.

I don’t know if it’s because I miss YOU personally or if I miss having someone on my team. Now I just feel incurably lonely with no one as my number one confidant. Everything just seems harder.

I’m sad 😦

Let’s face it

I am mental. Its true.
Sometimes I just wish I had a normal brain that didn’t have to analyse the most minor of details. And when I blurt out all my crazy talk, it only leaves me standing here looking silly.

I know I’m just over reacting and being silly, but I’m just an insecure mess. I guess all will be answered tomorrow!

Oh and to make myself feel a little better, I bought a pleather jacket. 100% polyester. I don’t even know if I like it, but I felt like being reckless and buying something stupid and expensive.

Ugh

Today has been so shiteous and awful.
First off, all my gym pants have miraculously disappeared. Meaning I couldn’t go to the gym today because I would have had to have worn a dress or jeans.  This was a minor complication which was substituted by taking the dogs for a walk. After arriving home, my sister and I got in a very frustrating argument about her wearing/buying/already owning a mink coat, and despite the latter events of the day she is still not talking to me at this moment. Now for the bigger things that started to make my life worse. We finally got the car back after months of arguing and issues with the car itself. Oh, and guess what. While I’m driving it down Victoria Rd, it breaks down. I spent about 2 hours waiting with my Dad for the NRMA and a tow truck. Because of this hiccup, it caused me to miss my later plans (which I was really excited about) -seeing 17 Again. So after I walked home from the mechanic, I was feeling really shitty. I thought, how about I just chill out on the interwebs and watch me some Ready Steady Cook.  I unplug my laptop from the power and bring it with me to the couch. What a surprise… It won’t turn on. I napped for 2 hours and then tried again. Still nothing. I have to use the family computer.

Now, I’m not sure if it is possible for things to get any worse (Note: after reading that sentence, I realised how dramatic and stupid it sounded, but I’m leaving it in there for effect). I mean, really ..is life that fucking cruel and horrible? I’m going to go with yes. Because I consider my current life already punishment enough and didn’t think it was possible for it to get any more debilitating. Well it has. You’ve won, sick fucked up world. I wish there was some way it was possible to declare emotional bankruptcy. Think about it, life has swiped me clean and I no longer have anything valuable or fruitful left to offer. Its at the point where the debt collectors start taking things away.  I don’t know what to do anymore, I just completely give up.

I have the worst luck ever. I’m beginning to think that my only possible chance of turning this around will be like that film that came out a few years ago, with Lindsay Lohan. You know, how she is really lucky and kisses that unlucky guy and their luck swaps. You know you’ve succumb to desperate measures if you think your only option is to make out with LOLhan. And I shall leave you with that image fresh in your mind.

xx

Fatigue

I’m tired of being so fucking mediocre.

I’m tired of hearing that i’m good and put in a solid effort, but there was someone better than me.

I’m tired of blending in and not being noticed.

I’m tired of living a life that is going nowhere quickly.

I’m tired of standing still watching everybody around me move forward.

I’m tired of being me

and being here.

I’m exhausted.

Living with a Disease

I found this poem on a message board which pretty much sums up how i feel at the moment. Its funny how you take such simple and obvious things for granted. It could be a lot worse, but i still feel disgusting and alone. But yeah, feeling pretty low about it right now 😦

Avoiding mirrors just in case,
I see another patch on my face.
Wishing that I could be free,
Of this disease inflicted upon me.

Silent tears I cry at night,
Hoping that everything will be alright.
During the day I smile and Laugh,
Do my family know i’m pretending that?

Many people point and ask.
Who are you and what is that?!!
Do you have aids?
Whats wrong with your skin?

I lower my head and refuse to speak,
No wonder people think I’m a freak.
One day I will go outside,
Without the clothes I use to hide.

I will scream and shout,
Flesh and scales all out.
Everyone will stare,
But on that day….

I won’t care.

Two Thousand and Hate

My body is hating me a lot right now after this weekend. And so is my wallet. My body is going to continue to hate me as i work a 10 hour shift tomorrow and the day after. Ugggghhhhh.

Anyways, here is a 2008 quiz thing. Hopefully it will bring back some good memories (most will probably be bad haha)

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
-Got a college education
-Went to Melbourne for the first time
-Got properly dressed up for halloween

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
NO 😦 My only resolution was to kiss a black man and it didn’t happen. I didnt even kiss anyone who was really tanned. Im disappointed in myself. So my resolution is to kiss two black men next year (one to make up for this year). Other resolutions is to live a healthier life (e.g. going to the gym regularly, eating well)

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not anyone really close.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Close to me in proximity, but not relationship-wise.

5. What countries did you visit?
Nowhere 😦

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
-I  would like to meet a guy next year that isn’t completely mentally retarded. It seems i attracted dickheads this year.
-A car, maybe? And a license to match haha
-A job that i don’t completely hate!

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Friday, December 5th. Last day of college!
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Definitely finishing college. I know i’ve used it for most of my answers, but it really consumed my life this year and i put lots of hard work into it. It was really challenging sometimes and i thought i was going to break, but i got through it. And thats something.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Making some really fucked up mistakes that could have easily be prevented. Not putting a lot of thought (if any) into my actions.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Ummm. Just Psoriasis, i guess.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Ermm, I normally just bought lots of little things. The best thing that was bought for me was my laptop though. I can’t imagine this year without it.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Drinking, Clothes, Taxis, Food and Transport.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Ummm shit. I was pretty excited about Soundwave. And it was a pretty fun day, i guess. But i hate getting really excited for things because you are just setting yourself up for disappointment.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
I don’t know.. Anything by Katy Perry!

Compared to this time last year, are you:

17. Thinner or fatter?
Probably fatter, but im working on changing that!

18. Richer or poorer?
Haha. Pretty sure i’m just perpertually poor.

19. What do you wish you’d done more of?
-Cute things like picnics or adventures or going to the beach
-Enjoyed the moment rather than getting scared or worrying about it
-Thinking before acting

20. What do you wish you’d done less of?
-DRINKING. UGH. Haha. Even though i did quit drinking for like 3 months. Well done.
-Being a jerk to people.

21. How will you be spending Christmas?
At home. My family is going to my Aunties. So Danielle is going to come over and we are going to hang out!

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Sex and the City. I relate my entire life back to that show. Its so scary/sad.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
I can’t really be bothered with hate. There are many people i don’t particularly like and won’t waste my time with but hating requires effort and emotion. Both of which can be applied more effectively to other parts of my life.

26. What was the best book you read?
Twilight series have been pretty good (i’m reading the fourth one right now). I am currently reading Russell Brand’s autobiography.. And trust me, i’ll most definitely be gushing about it soon.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Aron Wright. He is fucking excellent. You will all love him one day.

28. What did you want and get?
Shit.. Um. Some people, i guess.

29. What did you want and not get?
Some people, i guess.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
The Black Balloon. So beautiful.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I had a couple of people over at my house for a BBQ and then we went to Trash in ze city. I turned 19.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Not worrying about the small stuff. Umm. If Amy stayed in the country. If people weren’t jerks.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Umm. Lovely dresses. Pretty necklaces. Anything unique. Im not really into designer labels. I like plain things that you can alter and make your own.

34. What kept you sane?
My beautiful girls. And caffiene.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Haha shit. Umm well, im just going to stick with the person i ‘fancy’ at the moment. Russell Brand. He just oozes sexuality.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The fact that (even though it doesn’t effect me now) that children are being denied free public transport for schools. I think that is just total bullshit.

37. Who did you miss?
Amy. And people i shouldn’t.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
More than one person.. Katrina and Lisa (from college) and also Mitchell.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008
Life is too short to sweat the small stuff. I’ve learned that you have to avoid the bullshit and just be honest with others and yourself. Sometimes the truth might be more painful than lying, but in the long run you have to deal with a whole lot less shit and guilt.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

And high up above or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

—–

I just have to gush over my current Russell Brand infatuation. He is absolutely gorgeous and so well spoken. I’m reading his book (titled, My Booky Wook) and i find him so funny and just so relatable. He is just perfectly flawed. And he is totally bangin’.

Fuck

Its so hard playing the role of the ice queen over such an extended period of time.

He asked me, “What are you so scared of?”
To which i replied, “Everything.”

I’m scared of heights, the dark, walking alone at night, losing my friends, being a failure and disappointing my parents. I’m scared of hurting others and being hurt myself. I’m massively afraid of commitment. I’m scared to let go and i’m scared to try new things. I’m scared of feeling how i did 6 months ago about another particular someone.

I wish i could be as open as i normally am with you. But not anymore seeing i’ve changed and so have you. We still talk about ridiculous things that don’t make sense and its great. We also talk about secrets and feelings that i have never shared with anyone. But i don’t think i can do it anymore. Any time i hear you talk about another girl that you like my heart stops beating for a hundredth of a second and i can’t breathe anymore. Jealousy, right? Completely unwarranted, but maybe sort of almost justified to an extent. Maybe. I don’t even know anymore. And sometimes i don’t even know if its true.

I feel hurt, confused, silly and upset when i really shouldn’t. That’s what you get for suppressing and denying everything you want, or at least what you think you want. I had the opportunity to have and get what i want now, but i passed it up. But i think i want it? But i don’t even know really. MY HEAD IS FULL OF CONFLICTING THOUGHTS AND IT SUCKS.

In the end you can only ever ask yourself, whats the point? Is there a point? Should there be? There’s no point beating yourself up over things you can’t control.

Yet still, with all the aforementioned things and given the chance to be alone with you again. In each others arms feeling the intense attraction.. The ungodly things i would do to you right now…

Interesting

So i’ve been thinking. Uncertainty has never felt better. For some reason, i don’t have any anxiety about my future (or lack thereof). So what if i don’t have any work coming up? I’m still young and there is plenty of time. There is no point getting all flustered over something i don’t have a great deal of control over.

I’ve been thinking of possible plans anyways. If i don’t get an industry based job by the end of January, i’m going to just get regular full time work doing anything. And i’m going to save up so i can go live with/vist my sister in San Francisco. Because i studied this year, its much easier to get a working visa in the States. I might even travel around for a bit. Who knows.

Exams this week.

Uggghh…

BUT THEN FREEDOM!!!! (hopefully)

I’ll kill you, you fucking flat-chested cock-sucking spastic horse fucker!

Some days i wake up and start to think that i am slowly becoming everything i hate. I feel like such a hypocrite and that i’m just too judgemental. I just need to stay focused, not get too bummed out on things and just try and be somewhat satisfied with the way things are.

I’m just really frustrated with myself and my choices. I don’t know if i am going to pass everything at college and get everything done on time. I don’t know what kind of work i’m going to do next year, and i have this horrible feeling i’ll be lying on my couch feeling sorry for myself for a few months because i haven’t found a job. I hate the uncertainty of the future. It stresses me out.

Today i sat at Alison’s house watching Skins. Fuck that is the best show ever, no joke. Just when you think something can’t get anymore fucked up, it does. It makes me feel somewhat normal. It also makes me want to run away and find my own English boy to stroke.

Sometimes

Sometimes i just wish that i was anyone but me. I hate the way i treat people and they don’t even know. If i had a friend like me, i would probably exile myself. I’m just waiting for everyone else to realise this.