Before 2009

I’ve always thought it was strange how people as a whole would rather go to a movie, watch a telly program or read a book about someone elses’ life experiences rather than go out into the world and live their own. But i think its the escape part that entices us most. I like the idea of going to see a movie and being surrounded by darkness, blocking out all other visual distractions with your primary focus the large images being projected onto the screen. For a few hours being completely oblivious to reality and all the problems that surround you in your everyday life. Its quite comparative to taking drugs if you think about it haha. Escapism.

Looking back on 2008, i think its been a good year overall. Its had its ups and some massive downs. I think what tears me up the most though is the way i treated some people. Generally i live by the “hurt boys before they hurt you” ethic, but I’m really hoping to turn that around. I’ve done some pretty awful stuff to some people and as sorry as i am, it is likely to happen again. Which gets me down because I’ve always thought that lacking the ability to change or transform is a weakness. But that’s something to think about. Another thing i really want to change is my colourful vocabulary. I use profanities way too much and i fear that i will often come off as trashy or uneducated. Hmm.

Anyways, i’m going back to watch Sex and the City and eating Pad Thai.
Night.

Gah

Frustrated. Probably because i’m just so exhausted and i have so many thoughts, ideas and opinions circling my head. Just chilling here waiting for the Melatonin to kick in. It still hasn’t.

Two Thousand and Hate

My body is hating me a lot right now after this weekend. And so is my wallet. My body is going to continue to hate me as i work a 10 hour shift tomorrow and the day after. Ugggghhhhh.

Anyways, here is a 2008 quiz thing. Hopefully it will bring back some good memories (most will probably be bad haha)

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
-Got a college education
-Went to Melbourne for the first time
-Got properly dressed up for halloween

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
NO 😦 My only resolution was to kiss a black man and it didn’t happen. I didnt even kiss anyone who was really tanned. Im disappointed in myself. So my resolution is to kiss two black men next year (one to make up for this year). Other resolutions is to live a healthier life (e.g. going to the gym regularly, eating well)

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not anyone really close.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Close to me in proximity, but not relationship-wise.

5. What countries did you visit?
Nowhere 😦

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
-I  would like to meet a guy next year that isn’t completely mentally retarded. It seems i attracted dickheads this year.
-A car, maybe? And a license to match haha
-A job that i don’t completely hate!

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Friday, December 5th. Last day of college!
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Definitely finishing college. I know i’ve used it for most of my answers, but it really consumed my life this year and i put lots of hard work into it. It was really challenging sometimes and i thought i was going to break, but i got through it. And thats something.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Making some really fucked up mistakes that could have easily be prevented. Not putting a lot of thought (if any) into my actions.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Ummm. Just Psoriasis, i guess.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Ermm, I normally just bought lots of little things. The best thing that was bought for me was my laptop though. I can’t imagine this year without it.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Drinking, Clothes, Taxis, Food and Transport.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Ummm shit. I was pretty excited about Soundwave. And it was a pretty fun day, i guess. But i hate getting really excited for things because you are just setting yourself up for disappointment.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
I don’t know.. Anything by Katy Perry!

Compared to this time last year, are you:

17. Thinner or fatter?
Probably fatter, but im working on changing that!

18. Richer or poorer?
Haha. Pretty sure i’m just perpertually poor.

19. What do you wish you’d done more of?
-Cute things like picnics or adventures or going to the beach
-Enjoyed the moment rather than getting scared or worrying about it
-Thinking before acting

20. What do you wish you’d done less of?
-DRINKING. UGH. Haha. Even though i did quit drinking for like 3 months. Well done.
-Being a jerk to people.

21. How will you be spending Christmas?
At home. My family is going to my Aunties. So Danielle is going to come over and we are going to hang out!

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Sex and the City. I relate my entire life back to that show. Its so scary/sad.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
I can’t really be bothered with hate. There are many people i don’t particularly like and won’t waste my time with but hating requires effort and emotion. Both of which can be applied more effectively to other parts of my life.

26. What was the best book you read?
Twilight series have been pretty good (i’m reading the fourth one right now). I am currently reading Russell Brand’s autobiography.. And trust me, i’ll most definitely be gushing about it soon.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Aron Wright. He is fucking excellent. You will all love him one day.

28. What did you want and get?
Shit.. Um. Some people, i guess.

29. What did you want and not get?
Some people, i guess.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
The Black Balloon. So beautiful.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I had a couple of people over at my house for a BBQ and then we went to Trash in ze city. I turned 19.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Not worrying about the small stuff. Umm. If Amy stayed in the country. If people weren’t jerks.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Umm. Lovely dresses. Pretty necklaces. Anything unique. Im not really into designer labels. I like plain things that you can alter and make your own.

34. What kept you sane?
My beautiful girls. And caffiene.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Haha shit. Umm well, im just going to stick with the person i ‘fancy’ at the moment. Russell Brand. He just oozes sexuality.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The fact that (even though it doesn’t effect me now) that children are being denied free public transport for schools. I think that is just total bullshit.

37. Who did you miss?
Amy. And people i shouldn’t.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
More than one person.. Katrina and Lisa (from college) and also Mitchell.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008
Life is too short to sweat the small stuff. I’ve learned that you have to avoid the bullshit and just be honest with others and yourself. Sometimes the truth might be more painful than lying, but in the long run you have to deal with a whole lot less shit and guilt.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

And high up above or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

—–

I just have to gush over my current Russell Brand infatuation. He is absolutely gorgeous and so well spoken. I’m reading his book (titled, My Booky Wook) and i find him so funny and just so relatable. He is just perfectly flawed. And he is totally bangin’.

Manthrax

I love how you just talk to me when its convenient for you.

No,  seriously. I do. It drives me absolutely insane not being able to have what i want. And what a shame that you don’t want me! Ha!

And they say girls are confusing. You are so deceiving.
I can see how you try to trick me into trusting you. But what is there to trust?

Trust is an interesting word.

All i have to say is, what a fucking waste of time.

Scratch that all.

You’re a fucking whore.

One more thing…

A big fuck you to all female authors and script writers who write and generate these impossibly perfect men. Its frustrating and unfair that you think up all these flawless characters that don’t exist and that i can therefore never have. You build up my hopes and dreams and leave me wanting someone tangible that mirrors your ideas. I fucking hate you. You’re all messed up for destroying my faith in humanity. So yeah. Fuck you.

Some of my favourite surreal loves:

Jack Berger

Pacey Whitter

Edward Cullen

Well.. They are the only three i can think of right now. But there are more, i’m sure. Which will be added.

Ugh. Life.

Original Cynicism

My job is to babysit Ellen with the girls this week as her parents have disappeared. Last night Ellen and I had discussions on people (both boys and girls) about how people in general never say what they mean or mean what they say. Life would be a lot easier if everyone just ignored the bullshit and got straight to the point. The truth. People say things and then act another way. Or they don’t act on things that they probably should. I don’t understand people.

Now i know I’m prone to be misleading or maybe not entirely honest, making me somewhat of a hypocrite. But i generally say things i do mean. And i won’t say things that i don’t mean, most of the time at least. I hate that people think they can’t tell you things because they think you will be massively hurt by them. Grow some balls. If it is true (with evidence) , you should be able to say something without being afraid. What kind of friendship or relationship do you have if you feel like you have to hide things? Hmm.. Its interesting.

I don’t even really know what I’m talking about right now. I don’t think its about anyone in particular just society as a whole. Life would be better if everything was just like SATC. Speaking of which, i had my very first Cosmopolitan last night. It was lovely and refreshing and i felt all classy.

Anyways.. This thing is going to be boring over the next few days as i will mainly be working, going to the gym and going to Ellen’s.

Peace.

Dreamin’

I keep having this reoccuring dream.

It will be in a different location every time.

And with different people.

This time i was getting on a plane to Melbourne (previous locations include Germany and New Zealand) and i knew i had no money and nowhere to stay and i also had no luggage, just my (redundant) purse. But the strange part is, i didn’t feel anxious about any of this. Almost.. complacent? Its really weird how much i wasn’t worried AT ALL. So i got on a flight with my sister (she paid for the flight) and it was an over night flight.. i know, retarded. And another one of my friends was there (his identity will remain nameless for now). We landed and got the train to Flinder’s Street Station and we were just  waiting around the station. I left my bag and also my laptop (i didn’t have it on the flight but it somehow appeared) and phone on the steps to go look at something with my sister and friend. And then i turn around and this old man is trying to steal what little possessions i have and i go to yell at him and end up getting them back. When i turn around, my sister and friend are gone and i am left all alone. After this i wake up with nothing resolved.

The activities in the dreams sometimes change. Like i will try and buy something even though i have no money. But i still don’t care about it. It will always involve travel and me losing my friends.

CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THIS MEANS?!

Indefinite Holidays

So i am now on my (indefinite) holiday break! Hooray. I’m sussing out jobs daily -trying to find jobs in the entertainment/music industry and also in events. Its hard because a lot of the positions are for Seniors or people with 3-4 years minimum experience. But i’m not giving up hope just yet! Staying positive and everything will be fine 🙂

Today i joined up with a gym! Finally. I’m so unfit its disgusting. Me and my sister looked around today at the local ones trying to pick out the best value (and staying far far away from Fitness First as possible). Contours/Curves was so fucking pathetic. Its pretty much a room, with (limited) equipment in a circle and thats about it. You pay $199 for membership and then its like another $30 a week (i think?) on top of that. You pay shitloads and get nothing.

And so i looked up more local gyms on my phone and found one in Eastwood. We were really keen for a women’s gym because guys are creeps and perverted. We went to the one in Eastwood and it wasn’t so bad. Its a little small, but there is lots of equipment, a steam room and a lesson room. I was expecting the prices to be almost as ridiculous as Curves/Contours, but i was pleasantly surprised. Originally it was going to be $150 membership fee, $38.50 administration fee and it would be $30 a fortnight. HOWEVER, if i signed up today i wouldn’t have to pay the $150 membership fee and the fortnightly payment  would be reduced to $25! So i was keen to sign up today. All classes are free as well. So i joined! So watch out! I’m going to be super fit! Seeing i only work like ..10 hours a week, i have a lot of time for gym on my hands! Im excited. YAY FOR EXERCISE!

I need to start using my diary/planner thing. I keep forgetting all the plans i make and making more and then forgetting them and then being confused! God. I suck.

Also, Christmas is coming up. Which would be good, if i had money to buy people presents. But i’m so massively poor at the moment. Still haven’t paid my phone bill. And when i do, i will have pretty much no money all of next week. Life is tough! Ugh. I hate how much money dictates how i live my life. I know i complain a lot about money, but its one thing that frustrates me constantly. Enough of that.

Hmm. Yes. Nothing else for now. Oh wait.
Here are some pictures of me and my new boyfriend.
Lisa introduced us.

Ode to New York

I don’t know if it is from watching too much Sex and the City or just my general drifting thoughts, but i really do want to travel in the future. Hopefully soon!  And by soon, i mean end of next year haha. But the place i really want to see is New York. It just looks so amazing. I feel like i am being held back in this city. Well, not even that. Mainly that there is nothing really left here for me to do. Seen it all. Done it all. Met everyone that i really want to meet. I want change!

I read books and watch a lot of TV shows and movies. I often wonder whether the intense romance and love that these movies contain is real or not. Is it really possible to have such powerful feelings for another person? I mean you never see it in real life. Maybe we do, its just a lot more subtle. But then i think, is it really possible to create a fictitious emotion? I don’t think so. But i don’t know. Its hard to comprehend.

Anyways, seeing i have no real job or life i have lots of time to ponder things.
Out.

MAXI LOVE <3

Its good having my sister at home. All though she is semi-retarded sometimes, i’m glad i have someone who i can make really inappropriate jokes with. Tonight we walked through Macquarie Centre holding hands only for the sake of getting creepy and odd reactions from the passers by.

We were looking in Big W looking at DVDs and on the way out we walked past the clothing aisle. I told her, “I’m going to find you the prettiest outfit”. And so i found her a maxi dress. And she found me one. Possibly the most hideous patterns i have ever seen. And here are the results:

We are pretty much the Olsen twins. Except we’re not twins. Or rich. Or famous.

On a deeper note, i feel like i’m just becoming so disconnected from reality. I’ve built up this world consisting of college, work and home. So consistant and routine. But now one element of that routine is over. And i’m so socially disconnected from my friends. I don’t know whats going on with who or who is doing what. All i know is everyone has their own lives full of more important things, which is fine. Im thinking i should just retreat to my little shell that is my bed -safe and warm.