In My Eyes

So the gentleman turned out to be an asshole! Wow, definitely retarded for not seeing that one coming.
I was hoping that 2010 was going to be a drama free year (wishful thinking).  But so far the past 7 days have been crazier than ALL of last year. Meh.

Still trying to figure out what I want to do. Next week is when I’m going to start the new year. I really need to get more serious about stuff otherwise I’m going to end up (even more of a) loser.

Having said all of this, I’ve had a pretty great new year so far. Way too much drinking and shit eating. But it will all change.

Thats it!x

Two thousand and fine

Well, its Christmas and I spent the evening drinking Coronas and watching Christmas movies. Now I’m on to cleaning up my room and updating. I’m a little sad because one of my newest friends has left me for Melbourne 😦 Mr. Norris is trying to convince me to get Facebook to keep in touch, which is starting to sound like a good idea because a lot of the people I’ve been hanging out with are travellers. But I don’t think I’m ready to sell out just yet.

I found this quiz that I did this time(ish) last year, which summed up the year that has passed. So I thought I would complete it again just to stick with tradition.

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
-Stay in a relationship longer than 3 months
-Kiss an Englishman
-Eat Yum Cha
-Go to Tafe

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Well, apparently my last years’ resolution was to kiss TWO black men, because I didn’t even kiss one before. I didn’t manage to achieve this, so I guess next year I’ll have to kiss three. Or organise an interracial gang bang.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Umm.. I don’t think so.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Thank god no.

5. What countries did you visit?
Again, nowhere. I suck and am poor. Don’t judge. I hang out with foreigners, so I might as well be in another country which is good enough for me at the moment.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
-My RSA
-A proper job
-An overseas experience

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
One particular date? Hmm. Maybe Valentines Day, because that was the first time I wasn’t alone.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Finally getting my fucking P’s.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Compromising my own integrity and happiness in order to please someone else.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Probably a cold, general mental health issues.. Nothing worth remembering.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My pleather jacket. So many adventures and memories from one jacket.

12. Where did most of your money go?
Drinking, food, transport, clothes, Pedros.. Every day expenses.

13. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Emily’s prom, Nick coming home from Peru, Ellen and the Girls returning from Overseas!

14. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus

Compared to this time last year, are you:

15. Thinner or fatter?
Thinner than I was in a relationship. Starting to lose that all now just in time for summer.

16. Richer or poorer?
Same answer as last year, I am perpetually poor. However, I do have a LITTLE bit of savings.

17. What do you wish you’d done more of?
-Tried to see the bigger picture
-Kept my room clean
-Drank more water/less coke

18. What do you wish you’d done less of?
-Sadness

19. How will you be spending Christmas?
Spent it at home with the family. Went to Steph’s house for breakfast and had it with her family. Because I am a honourary Macfarlane.

20. What was your favorite TV program?
How I Met Your Mother. Hands down best show of all time.

21. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Not really. I can’t think of anyone who I REALLY hate. I can think of people who I can’t be bothered with and don’t want to be around though.

22. What was the best book you read?
Are you there, Vodka? Its me, Chelsea by Chelsea Handler
High Fidelity Nick Hornby

23. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Oh wow. Um. Laura Marling. She’s amazing!

24. What did you want and get?
To see Katy Perry.

25. What did you want and not get?
A car.

26. What was your favorite film of this year?
Hmm.. I’m going to say 17 Again but only because I watched it today and because the Babefron was in it.

27. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Fuck all and i got old (20).

28. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Getting a full time job and having money. Although having money is basically measurable.

29. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Bum clothes. Anything casual. I didn’t party a whole lot.

30. What kept you sane?
Sexy friends and good times. And beer.

31. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Can’t limit it to one. Tyson Ritter, Emile Hirsch, Russell Brand, James Franco, Neil Patrick Harris.. babe.

32. What political issue stirred you the most?
Gay marriage. Especially after watching Milk and seeing all the inequalities that having a particular sexual preference can cause.

33. Who did you miss?
I don’t physically miss anyone at the moment. I miss how some people used to be.

34. Who was the best new person you met?
PIRI NORRIS.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009
Try to eliminate negative or draining influences and aspects of your life. I know that it’s not entirely practical, but some things just drag you down with them.

46. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

Good times for a change
See, the luck I’ve had
Can make a good man
Turn bad

So please please please
Let me, let me, let me
Let me get what I want
This time

Haven’t had a dream in a long time
See, the life I’ve had
Can make a good man bad

So for once in my life
Let me get what I want
Lord knows, it would be the first time
Lord knows, it would be the first time

A symphonic blank stare…

I rarely appear online on MSN as much as I used to these days. There are a couple of reasons for this, I guess. No one really seems to use it anymore. Perhaps this is because everyone uses FB or just texts/calls each other. Another reason is that there is no one who I am DYING to talk to. And also because no one really talks to me when I go online either. And tonight, this kind of got me thinking about how other people see me. Normally I’m not particularly consumed by people’s perceptions of myself, but sometimes others can see the change in you that you can’t.

The main question is: Have I become one of those relationship assholes? You know, the type that ignores everyone once they are in a relationship. Who doesn’t make the effort to catch up with friends and when they do all they talk about is their significant other. Honestly, I don’t think I’m COMPLETELY like this, although I’m sure i’ve acted these ways occasionally. I guess when you spend most of your time with one person you create a lot of stories and memories with them. I couldn’t really care less of what people think other than my close friends anyway, but it’s just interesting to think about if people see you like this.

However, I believe friendship is a two way street. You can’t write off a friendship when you make little to no effort either. It’s obvious that particular male ‘friends’ make much more of an effort to talk to you when you’re single, but I guess being in a relationship only makes you more aware of who your actual friends are.

Having said all of this, I’m quite certain of who my real friends are and who genuinely cares about me. Getting older you begin to have a better grasp of which people you can trust and which people just aren’t worth your time. Sure, there are people out there who I miss talking to and hanging out with, but whether this has to do with my relationship status or just moving on with life I guess I’ll never know! Its kind of sad when you realise you don’t mean as much to some people as they mean to you, but I guess you never know what people are really thinking.

Reading over this, I know it sounds really ambiguous and I hate entries like that, but this isn’t really directed at anyone in particular.

Holidays are going well so far. Think my laptop is going to die again soon, which is not good.

xx

The bus was always coming…

Pretty siked on life at the moment. I’ve come to terms with a lot of things lately and don’t want to worry about a lot of things anymore. I’m going to take things as they come.  I don’t want to be materialistic anymore. I want to be happy and healthy. I want to have fun times with the people I love.

Definitely siked for summer. Hopefully by then I shall have my license. My driving lessons are going well, so the test should be happening in a month and a bit. Hoorah!

I’m now on my TAFE holidays so I have two weeks off. In this time I would like to alter some of my clothes, do some paintings, go on some adventures, drink Coronas by the pool… Yeah. That would be nice.

Times like these

Been busy busy busy busy.  I’m not used to this -having to do things. Shit got a little overwhelming yesterday. Too many fights and too many poor decisions. But by the end of the day, things were okay! I’m feeling okay.

I want to stop being so ridiculous, stop getting upset over everything and just be more positive. People often say ‘Just be more positive’. It sounds so crazy to me. Like being positive is something that you can just switch on and up until now, I’ve just had it switched off. If only life was so easy.

I hate how nothing can ever play out how I want it. Its so frustrating. I’m also tired of needing help for everything I do. I want to be able to do some things for myself. I’m not capable of achieving anything because I have no confidence or self belief. And why should I? This year I’ve proved to myself (and those around me) that I’m basically incapable of achieving anything.

I’m just exhausted and in pain. Whinge whinge whinge. But I guess thats what blogs are for!

Ugh

Today has been so shiteous and awful.
First off, all my gym pants have miraculously disappeared. Meaning I couldn’t go to the gym today because I would have had to have worn a dress or jeans.  This was a minor complication which was substituted by taking the dogs for a walk. After arriving home, my sister and I got in a very frustrating argument about her wearing/buying/already owning a mink coat, and despite the latter events of the day she is still not talking to me at this moment. Now for the bigger things that started to make my life worse. We finally got the car back after months of arguing and issues with the car itself. Oh, and guess what. While I’m driving it down Victoria Rd, it breaks down. I spent about 2 hours waiting with my Dad for the NRMA and a tow truck. Because of this hiccup, it caused me to miss my later plans (which I was really excited about) -seeing 17 Again. So after I walked home from the mechanic, I was feeling really shitty. I thought, how about I just chill out on the interwebs and watch me some Ready Steady Cook.  I unplug my laptop from the power and bring it with me to the couch. What a surprise… It won’t turn on. I napped for 2 hours and then tried again. Still nothing. I have to use the family computer.

Now, I’m not sure if it is possible for things to get any worse (Note: after reading that sentence, I realised how dramatic and stupid it sounded, but I’m leaving it in there for effect). I mean, really ..is life that fucking cruel and horrible? I’m going to go with yes. Because I consider my current life already punishment enough and didn’t think it was possible for it to get any more debilitating. Well it has. You’ve won, sick fucked up world. I wish there was some way it was possible to declare emotional bankruptcy. Think about it, life has swiped me clean and I no longer have anything valuable or fruitful left to offer. Its at the point where the debt collectors start taking things away.  I don’t know what to do anymore, I just completely give up.

I have the worst luck ever. I’m beginning to think that my only possible chance of turning this around will be like that film that came out a few years ago, with Lindsay Lohan. You know, how she is really lucky and kisses that unlucky guy and their luck swaps. You know you’ve succumb to desperate measures if you think your only option is to make out with LOLhan. And I shall leave you with that image fresh in your mind.

xx

Baby, there will come a day when our lives are over.

I’ve been rejected after four job interviews this year. I don’t understand where its going wrong. I’ll get a whole heap of really positive feedback and then poof! Nothing. After a while this takes a tole on your self esteem and confidence. Now, I don’t believe in a higher power per say, but I do believe that all things happen for a reason and that everything is an opportunity. From what has happened to me this year, all this failure to me is a sign. With my lack of success in finding work I have come to the conclusion that:
a) I’ m not supposed to work at this time in my life
b) I’m not supposed to work in this type of industry

Now I know people who would consider this type of thinking as total crap. But I don’t. Sometimes the things you do aren’t based on skill or knowledge, they are based on luck and chance.  So at this moment of my life I have absolutely no idea what I am supposed to be doing. I don’t understand where this path is taking me and where I’m supposed to be. Now I just feel lost, confused and really displaced. Its so much harder that Nick is a logical thinker rather than an emotional thinker and I feel that he just has a hard time understanding where I am coming from. Or he will understand it but he will just think that its complete rubbish. But I don’t blame him for that. Half the time I don’t really understand whats going on either.

So at this present time I’m trying to consider new directions to take. But I’m not really sure what I am good at or what I would be capable of. I just did the Myer Briggs Type Indicator (an assessment/questionnaire designed to measure psychological preferences in how people perceive the world and make decisions). And i found out that I am the ENFJ type. Which is good to know, but its also really depressing that people like Oprah Winfrey, Barack Obama, Abraham Lincoln were also these types.

Anyways, if you have any ideas of what future career endeavers I could possibly undertake, please let me know. Note: Drug dealer and prostitution does not count.

Moceanu

I’m S I C K of my meaningless life.
Where C H A N C E S pass me by.
It’s R E A L I T Y.

Praise all you are lady of terrible guilt.
That’s not my I D E A of F R E E will.
It’s R E A L I T Y.

Mr. C O O L at all of the shows.
You’re A T T I T U D E is old.
This is R E A L I T Y.

And you might ask why nothing is ever how it seems?
Well I think I knew more when I was 13.
When did life get so real?

And now I feel like I’m losing my mind
I used to think all the time
Now thinking hurts and feeling is worse
I liked reality better when it was a dream

Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na

This is R E A L I T Y.

———————————-

Bayside seem to sum up everything really well at the moment. I just feel like a loser all of the time. I feel like i’m constantly putting a dampener on people’s lives. Because my life is so dull I purposely create conflict and drama within my relationships and my mind just for excitement. I’m a pathetic mess and its horrible. I just want to be wonderful.

Call centre job interview tomorrow. Remember this day, for this is the moment where i lost whatever dignity I apparently had.

Fatigue

I’m tired of being so fucking mediocre.

I’m tired of hearing that i’m good and put in a solid effort, but there was someone better than me.

I’m tired of blending in and not being noticed.

I’m tired of living a life that is going nowhere quickly.

I’m tired of standing still watching everybody around me move forward.

I’m tired of being me

and being here.

I’m exhausted.

Extended Holidays

Holy crap.  It was soooo hot today. I pretty much sat on the couch all day, watched the tennis, watched Pretty in Pink, ate and yeah. Thats about it. Oh and i applied for a couple more jobs. I try to keep my days somewhat productive.

I have been working a lot lately. Which is good seeing i really need the money at the moment. My phone bill was due yesterday and i couldn’t afford to pay it, so i asked dad if he could put it on his credit card and i would pay him back after Friday. Being poor is so fucking shitty. I always think, Samantha or Carrie (SATC) never have any money troubles  (except that episode in season one where Carrie’s credit card is declined and that Eurotrash girl pays for her shoes). Charlotte seems quite worried about having a perfect life. And lets just face it, Miranda destroys all the good that is in her life. Why can’t i be as fabulous as Carrie and Sam? It would be great never having to worry about bills, never having to designate money to do certain things and just being able to do what you want, when you want. That would truly be awesome.

But i want to make things clear. Even though my life seems really bleak, self pitying and pathetic at the moment, i don’t think it is really that bad. I mean in comparison to the problems that other people are probably experiencing right now, its basically nothing. The most difficult aspect of my day today was picking some place to have dinner with Nick at on Saturday night. It stressed me out that i couldn’t find the right place to go to. Isn’t that sad? Or is it strangely comforting that i don’t have big issues in my life? I don’t really know. All i do know is that this can’t go on forever and that i’ll miss bumming around at home when i’m working full time. Oh dear.

Its hard to get motivated when its so hot. I hate shift work and having no proper structure to my life. Im just going to focus on going to the gym and being healthy and happy and everything should fall into place. Right?