Sam Malone

This weekend was fucking awful/amazing. I’m so sick of my feelings being up and down all of the time. I just want consistency. And I know I’ve said in the past that you can’t embrace the positive if you never endure the negative.

But for a while, I just want to feel nothing at all.

Baby, there will come a day when our lives are over.

I’ve been rejected after four job interviews this year. I don’t understand where its going wrong. I’ll get a whole heap of really positive feedback and then poof! Nothing. After a while this takes a tole on your self esteem and confidence. Now, I don’t believe in a higher power per say, but I do believe that all things happen for a reason and that everything is an opportunity. From what has happened to me this year, all this failure to me is a sign. With my lack of success in finding work I have come to the conclusion that:
a) I’ m not supposed to work at this time in my life
b) I’m not supposed to work in this type of industry

Now I know people who would consider this type of thinking as total crap. But I don’t. Sometimes the things you do aren’t based on skill or knowledge, they are based on luck and chance.  So at this moment of my life I have absolutely no idea what I am supposed to be doing. I don’t understand where this path is taking me and where I’m supposed to be. Now I just feel lost, confused and really displaced. Its so much harder that Nick is a logical thinker rather than an emotional thinker and I feel that he just has a hard time understanding where I am coming from. Or he will understand it but he will just think that its complete rubbish. But I don’t blame him for that. Half the time I don’t really understand whats going on either.

So at this present time I’m trying to consider new directions to take. But I’m not really sure what I am good at or what I would be capable of. I just did the Myer Briggs Type Indicator (an assessment/questionnaire designed to measure psychological preferences in how people perceive the world and make decisions). And i found out that I am the ENFJ type. Which is good to know, but its also really depressing that people like Oprah Winfrey, Barack Obama, Abraham Lincoln were also these types.

Anyways, if you have any ideas of what future career endeavers I could possibly undertake, please let me know. Note: Drug dealer and prostitution does not count.

Keeping Time with my Heart Beat

This weekend was a wild weekend out on the town. I rarely go out drinking anymore and had a little bit of cash to throw around, so i did! I also bought a new camera! So i decided to document our adventures this weekend.

It started off with myself, Steph and Emily at the pub.

This is Steph.

This is Steph smoking.

And then Emily joined us.

I had never tried Bacardi and Coke before and decided that tonight was the night.

Emily ordered a Dragonfly cocktail!

We then caught the train to the city with Paul who got on at West Ryde.  We decided to go to the Lansdowne for dinner for our $5 $6 meals. I was horribly disappointed to find that they had run out of Spaghetti, so I couldn’t get Bolognese Bolognais (that is apparently how its spelt).  I settled for fish and chips but was saddened by the lack of tartare sauce. But it was still an enjoyable meal!

Myself.

Emily being a lion.

Baboon and Paul (also being a lion).

Then we left the Lansdowne. Paul, Steph and co. decided to go to the Scabercrombie and Emily and I decided to go to Trash. We decided to rename Trash, Thrush as it seems more appropriate and fitting. At Trash we drank and danced and were babes and had D&Ms on the steps outside and were sexy. It was fun!

Prune?

Then it was time for us to leave. I walked Emily to Central Station so she could get the train home with Steph and co. and I met up with Nick there! He was having drinks for his friend’s birthday and I went to the Macquarie Hotel and joined the kids at the party. We got killer pythons and danced to bad RnB from the 90s.

Adam and his newly shaven head.

Tiff!

I look kind of ranga here. Sexy.

We then got tired and decided to go home. I was hungry and there was no food, so we decided to go to Maccas and got lots of food. Then we went back to Nick/Tiff’s place to eat it all. Then it was bed time!!

I woke up on Sunday wanting to do something exciting and fun because the weather was so nice. So we decided to go on a picnic at someplace i don’t even know. It was a national park (Royal?) and there was a beach kind of thing going on there. I rekindled my love of avocado, bbq chicken, mayonnaise and cheese. Some of the best inventions known to man.

Where we were.

We made a lettuce hat for Adam which was perfectly sculpted to his head.

Shweepy Tiff.

Home.

Then it was time to go home! A lovely weekend.

I’m tired and have a job interview tomorrow. Kind of nervous, but not as much as I normally would be as I’m used to the rejection that accompanies interviews. We’ll see how it goes.

I don’t really know if any of this post makes sense, but i’ll read over it tomorrow and make corrections if needed. I’m excited about having a camera again. Expect lots more photo entries.

Night loverz.

Are you sleeping, little darling?

Yes, believe your eyes. We are now living in a society where you have to pay for parking at good ol’ family restaurant, McDonalds. This is the parking meter i spotted at the Stanmore location on Sunday. Now I was only at Maccas no more than three weeks ago and this was not there. I understand the idea behind it -how they don’t want people parking there all day and then going to work and what not. You get 45 minutes free, but after that you have to pay up. But having said this, life is complicated enough. Its just annoying to have to park your car, go to the machine and get a ticket, go back to your car to put the ticket in there and then walk inside and order your food. I guess the good that comes from it is that all revenue raised goes to Ronald McDonald House.

Other than this new development, my week was quite good. I finished watching series one of Flight of the Choncords, I managed to go to the gym, worked a little bit and got to see my friends. Friday night Nick and I went to Putt Putt. We went to the one in Ermington, which is a ghetto enough area but only like 10 minutes away from my house. Its weird how different Epping and Ermington are though. There were so many hectic kids with their done up cars. It was crazy and we still have fun.

There is something that is annoying me at the moment which I need to get off my chest. I know that people have been saying that i’ve been distant lately. This is complete bullshit. I’m the one who sends people messages and doesn’t get a reply! I’ve also been told that people don’t bother asking to hang out with me because they think that i’ll be with Nick. This is also bullshit. He works 9-5 Monday-Friday. I DON’T HAVE A REAL JOB. I pretty much sit at home during the week. I message people to ask if they want to do something, but they are always too busy with their own lives. And sure, I generally do spend the weekends at his house, but thats becuase NO ONE ASKS ME TO DO ANYTHING ON THE WEEKEND. Yet, some how I am the distant one. Please explain.

That’s all!

xx

Moceanu

I’m S I C K of my meaningless life.
Where C H A N C E S pass me by.
It’s R E A L I T Y.

Praise all you are lady of terrible guilt.
That’s not my I D E A of F R E E will.
It’s R E A L I T Y.

Mr. C O O L at all of the shows.
You’re A T T I T U D E is old.
This is R E A L I T Y.

And you might ask why nothing is ever how it seems?
Well I think I knew more when I was 13.
When did life get so real?

And now I feel like I’m losing my mind
I used to think all the time
Now thinking hurts and feeling is worse
I liked reality better when it was a dream

Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na

This is R E A L I T Y.

———————————-

Bayside seem to sum up everything really well at the moment. I just feel like a loser all of the time. I feel like i’m constantly putting a dampener on people’s lives. Because my life is so dull I purposely create conflict and drama within my relationships and my mind just for excitement. I’m a pathetic mess and its horrible. I just want to be wonderful.

Call centre job interview tomorrow. Remember this day, for this is the moment where i lost whatever dignity I apparently had.

Mardi Gras 2009

Pretty.

Fuck, I hate Mondays. Just another horrible reminder that I am in the exact same place as I was last week. I sit here and think about all the people travelling into the city to study, people rushing around their offices and all the wonderful opportunities being experienced. All of which, I am missing out on. Wonderful.

I had a lovely weekend. I have rediscovered my love of fake pearls (see picture above). Tiff and I had a fabulous time at Mardi Gras. We got all decked out in our gear -feather boas, fake eyelashes, fish nets and big hair. We actually looked like prostitutes. It was fantastic. Everyone was so friendly, it was great. We went to the after party at Stonewall and had a blast dancing. It was my first Mardi Gras experience and i really enjoyed myself. Sure, all the floats were wonderful as were the costumes. But if you see through all that glitter, its obvious that Mardi Gras is a celebration of individuality, acceptance, freedom and unity. Its beautiful that couples (no matter what  their sexuality) can feel comfortable to be themselves and be affectionate in public free of judgment and torment. The sad thing is they can only do this one day a year. It makes me sick to think that we live in a society that in this day and age something so common is feared and unaccepted. I can’t imagine living a life where I wasn’t allowed to be myself and having to hide large aspects of who I was. Its terrible. But hopefully things are changing and people will soon accept differences rather than fear them.

Sometimes I think I am possibly the most selfish person in the universe. I need to stop complaining and being narcissistic and apply it to helping people and making the ones I love happy. I’m so disgusting. I have all this free time and I just waste it.

Here are some photos from the weekend.

Gallery

Embrace

As i’ve had a fair bit of free time on my hands, i’ve taken up drawing. Bellow are a few of my works as of late.
Just note, i took  all the photos with my phone as my camera is currently out of action. So the quality isn’t the best.

Blehhh

This past weekend was good and bad. Fun things happened and there were some really good times. But then there were small moments and incidents which demoralised me. I feel like the little problems seem to ruin the entire weekend. Like a classically beautiful painting can be ruined by a minute defect. Which is frustrating, because I don’t like ending things on a sour note. Sometimes I wish that I wasn’t so fucking mental/bi-polar. Its frustrating.

Nick often tells me that I’m wonderful. I really can’t figure out why he would think that. I’m horribly bitter, say nasty things to him when I’m upset, I can’t even get a job, I’m not particularly good at anything, I have the worst skin in the universe, I seem to be getting fatter by the second, I’m terribly negative (in case you didn’t notice already), I have no self control, I can’t make decisions for myself and I get angry basically every day. I feel sorry for him that he is stuck with me. I always tell him all the horrible things about me and I tell him that I am not wonderful, but merely… shit. To which he responds, “You may not think you’re wonderful, but I still do.” This makes me think that I am deceiving him in some way. I guess it makes me realise that I am so lucky to have him because I’m pretty sure no one else on this planet would like me enough to put up with my bullshit.

Today has involved me waking up. Eating cereal. Looking for jobs. Playing guitar. Drinking coffee. Cutting my finger nails. That is pretty much it. I envy people with a schedule full of education and prosperity for those are the ones who are truly living. While I sit here, becoming more jaded by the day and slowly dying on the inside. What a life.