Interesting

So i’ve been thinking. Uncertainty has never felt better. For some reason, i don’t have any anxiety about my future (or lack thereof). So what if i don’t have any work coming up? I’m still young and there is plenty of time. There is no point getting all flustered over something i don’t have a great deal of control over.

I’ve been thinking of possible plans anyways. If i don’t get an industry based job by the end of January, i’m going to just get regular full time work doing anything. And i’m going to save up so i can go live with/vist my sister in San Francisco. Because i studied this year, its much easier to get a working visa in the States. I might even travel around for a bit. Who knows.

Exams this week.

Uggghh…

BUT THEN FREEDOM!!!! (hopefully)

I’ll kill you, you fucking flat-chested cock-sucking spastic horse fucker!

Some days i wake up and start to think that i am slowly becoming everything i hate. I feel like such a hypocrite and that i’m just too judgemental. I just need to stay focused, not get too bummed out on things and just try and be somewhat satisfied with the way things are.

I’m just really frustrated with myself and my choices. I don’t know if i am going to pass everything at college and get everything done on time. I don’t know what kind of work i’m going to do next year, and i have this horrible feeling i’ll be lying on my couch feeling sorry for myself for a few months because i haven’t found a job. I hate the uncertainty of the future. It stresses me out.

Today i sat at Alison’s house watching Skins. Fuck that is the best show ever, no joke. Just when you think something can’t get anymore fucked up, it does. It makes me feel somewhat normal. It also makes me want to run away and find my own English boy to stroke.

Eat your heart out.

What i really get up to at college:

We are pretty much the Veronicas (+1) except talented and not pasty midgets.

P.s.

PHOTOS FROM THE WEEKEND.

at Britpop!

at Britpop!

at Britpop!

at Britpop!

at Britpop!

at Britpop!

at Britpop!

at Britpop!

Ugh.

I’m such a loose canon all the fucking time. Its really annoying. I don’t like being in these intense pissed off rages all of the time, but its really starting to get to me. Its only the little things that don’t go my way that fire me up. Which is so immature i know, and it causes me to get even more angry at myself for being such a dickhead. But when things don’t work the way they are supposed to or people are just generally shitting me i tend to feel this way. Frustrated, angry, enraged, hostile… Also, when people either laugh at me/smile at me/are happy around me this generally fuels my mood and makes me want to smack them in the fucking face.

But the most stupid part about it is, i will just be totally oblivious to the things i should get angry or annoyed about. I just let them slide off into the back of my mind. Its really not a good system.

So tired.

😦

You can try to fight this all you want, but I won’t be there…

This has been one hectic week. I seriously don’t even remember the last time i got less sleep. Its been insane. But parts of the week have been good. Including all of Steph’s birthday celebrations. I’m just so tired and busy all the time. 3 more weeks and hopefully this will all be over.

I’m pretty bummed that my mum won’t be home for Christmas. Its not going to be the same. No Christmas lunch. No decorations. No Christmas cakes. No tree. No one else really gets into it like she does and its just going to be completely crap. At least my Bu will be here. But whatever.

I’m just feeling really unmotivated, defeated and tired. It will pass, but whatever.

Funny photos of things that i have seen recently:
I found this sign on the back of a toilet in Epping library!!

Awesome Indian head dress i saw at the Newtown festival.

This man came up to us at the Roxy and started talking to us. He was creepy, but harmless (and 48 years old). He was like, “Do you like my shirt?” and i was like “Yeah, its a pretty crazy colour!” And he was all, “Well i got one of my poems printed on the back” And thats what it was. He kept telling me i was pretty, but i was just too young. So disappointed.  Anyways, he got annoying after a while.

Steph asleep on the train on the way home! Hooray.

I was walking home and i saw this old asian lady who was easily in her 60s or 70s doing this. Im freaking 19 and i cant do that! AMAZING.

That is all..xx

WHAT U WANT vs. WHAT U NEED

I was thinking about this for a little bit today. This could be just because i am a fickle and crazy girl, but who knows.

Isn’t it funny, how what you want is what you think you need? And sometimes you don’t even care how bad what you think you need is for you and how much it could hurt the people around you. But you keep going for it or doing it anyway. And it turns out you don’t even need said object, but you think you do only for some crazy reason.

Which brings me to my next point. When someone/thing that you could easily have had doesn’t need you anymore. And that results in you automatically wanting them based on the principal that they are no longer there and you cant have them. Which makes you think you need them. When you really don’t at all. You just think you do.

And isn’t it funny how the most simple and obvious thing you need, you just don’t want. And you never will. Until this thing doesn’t need you, and you starting wanting it. And the circle continues.

Hope i’ve confused you all enough for one night!
xx

Post Birthday Wrap Up

I’m not going to lie. I did have a pretty good birthday weekend. Unfortunately i didn’t take many photos. Well, any at all really. But i did steal some off other people. Anyways, here is a brief re-cap.

It really puts into perspective who your REAL friends are. Now i wasn’t expecting everybody to see me or buy me things at all. But you know what, a message wouldn’t go far. And i understand that people are busy or don’t have a lot of free time. But forgetting when youre supposed to be one of my closest friends is really hurtful. I don’t know, its not a big deal. But it really says a lot.

Saturday morning i woke up and an hour later, Alison came over with breakfast in bed! Exactly what i wanted and asked for. Then me and my sister went to the shops and i got a new perfume (the Christina Aguilera one in the lacy bottle -smells really nice)! Then i came home to set up my bbq for my select group of friends. There was gourmet sausages, salads, dips, cheese and pavlova. Was all going well until we realised we couldnt work the bbq. So we friend the sausages. Then my brother came home and we made it work and bbq’d the kebabs.

Lisa then drove us into the city where we went to her house before we went to Trash. We danced and danced. Alison requested the song ‘In da club’ by 50cent for me because it was my birthday and they ACTUALLY played it! So stoked! Got home around 5AM. Was sooo happy to be in my bed!

The next day i woke up at 10AM to go to the Newtown Festival. I was a little less than chirpy, but i was so keen on going out and hanging out with Karina (<3).  So we met at Epping and she bought me a lovely breakfast. We then got a train and changed at Redfern to go to Newtown. We made it to the festival and there was SOOO many people there, it was insane! But i managed to pick up some really awesome and cheap jewellery and this great hat. We then left because we were so tired.

This weekend would have been so much better if didnt have the fact that i have 5 million assignments due this week hanging over my head. Im so screwed 😦 Anyways.

PICTORIALS
(by me, karina and mother)

I just want to say thank you to my parents, all my friends who wished me happy birthday, people who bought me presents/drinks and everyone for just being good!

Oh and Ellen bought me breakfast today. So that is 3 birthday breakfasts in a row! Im a lucky girl.

xx

Pre-Birthday Reflection

Its weird to think that by this time next week i will have been around on this planet for nineteen years. When i think back to this time last year, i feel like i’m a completely different person. I had no idea of what i wanted to do with my life or who i really was. Well, i’m sort of still in that place, but i am a little more secure than that (i hope). I’ve learned so much this past year about myself, others and just life in general. There are so many things i am afraid of and am not ready to try. And i’m totally fine with that!

I just want all my worries to disappear. That would be truly beautiful. I am blessed with the greatest friends i could ever have asked for and i am so lucky i have them to support me.

But here’s the worst part -the only present i would really like, the only person who can give it to me, can’t. And i know i will never receive it from them.

Halloween!

So this week has been pretty shit after i received some awful news on Thursday. The weekend picked up a little bit as it was Halloween and i was down for getting into festivities. I really can’t be bothered writing a full description of what happened, so i’ll just put up a couple of photos!

LISA ANDERSON’S PARTY -Friday
(Didn’t really take any photos)

GLYNN’S PARTY -Saturday
(Lisa W took so many great photos, which i am likely to steal)

BAHAHHAHAHA (our family photo)

And Lilly even got in on the Halloween spirit!

Thats all. Hoping this week picks up a bit.

xx